BUTCH 101
November 29, 2003

There is a reason why I hate cleaning. It's not because of all the dirt or grime; it's because I don't know where to start or how to stop. I get all OCD on myself. Today, I wanted to merely clean up my place -- nothing too grand. I just wanted to pick up some things, vacuum, do some laundry, and wash some dishes. Simple... right?

Wrong.

Here I am two hours later, and the place looks worse than it did when I started! I look worse than when I started also -- with dirt on my pants, dust all over my shirt, and gook all over my hands. What began as a simple Saturday chore, turned into the Iraq Invasion of my apartment. I decided during my picking up of the closet (so I could put away clothes), to toss out a few things -- old sweaters, shirts, etc. During this "Great Toss Out of 2003", I came across a dimmer switch I had tried unsuccessfully to sell at a swap meet a few years back. I guess $3 wasn't a good deal. Anyway, I had a thought that I should replace the kitchen switch since the lights in there are bright enough to expose an entire football stadium. I got out my tools and began the tedious process. I thought I might shock myself (even with the breaker switch off), but I didn't. Mind you, I was supposed to be simply cleaning. During my "wanna be electrician" phase I did run into a problem of having too many wires to replace the wall unit, so I had to trim some with the measly wire cutter I had.

An hour later, the switch was in place, the lights were dimmed, and I felt butch. I felt so butch I reached for a beer. After taking a good sized swig, I realized I needed to change a load in the washing machine. Next up were my white towels, to be washed in hot water. I moved the clean clothes in the washer to the dryer, filled up the washing machine with the dirty towels, turned the water setting to 'HOT', and flipped the switch. Nothing happened. I flipped it back to 'COLD' and water began to gush into the reservoir. Back to 'HOT'... nothing. Hmmmm....

I decided since I was butch enough to replace a dimmer switch that I could determine the problem with the washer. Mind you, since I have a small apartment, I have a washer/dryer combo (where one is on top of the other). I moved all the shit blocking the way from the laundry room into the kitchen and shimmied the machine away from the wall. It stopped dead in it tracks two-inches from where I needed it to be in order to reach anything in the rear. I pulled some more (paying careful attention not to yank out the water hoses out of the wall). It was still in its place. I yanked one more time, and the dryer hose popped off the outlet... allowing the machine full freedom to move some more.

I pulled the machine a little further only to realize I still couldn't reach the damn water valves. I needed to get my whole body behind it, but it was virtually impossible. The water escape hose was taut, as well as the other hoses. How in the sam hell did they get this thing in there!?! In all of my skinniness, I squeezed between the wall and the washer/drier combo. I was afraid I was going to get stuck. An old episode of "I Love Lucy" flashed before my eyes. You know the one... where she is stuck in something and can't get out. Or maybe that was an episode of "Friends"... who knows. I didn't have the phone on me and the front door was locked, so no one could have entered anyway. It was now up to me to get in and out without needing to lube up the space.

I am not sure how I managed to get behind it, but I did. I jiggled the hoses and the wires and silence filled the small room. But what did I expect? Why is it that people always assume something is just loose when ever power or access to something is lost? More than likely, something was wrong with the main control panel inside the machine, and I wasn't about to fix that. So there I was, stuck between a rock and a hard place... literally. I checked some wires, some hoses, some connections, but nothing was happening, so I decided it was more important for me to get out of the small space and drink some more beer.

Again, I forced my skinny ass through the opening back into civilization. I messed with the knobs again, but the water was still off. I gave up and pushed the combo unit back into it's spot, but I still had to reattach the dryer hose. I reached back and couldn't grasp the silver tube. My next hope was to use the broom as a hook. I climbed on top of the combo, and fished for it, but it wouldn't work with me. Next I reached around and finally managed to wedge it against the wall momentarily. I then climbed back on the machine and stood on top of the washer, reaching over the dryer, and desperately tried to clamp the damn tube back onto the outlet. 5 minutes and 50 "fucks" later, I got it to stay.

Needless to say, my towels are now being cleaned in cold water. But my kitchen light looks nice. Now where is that beer??