ALMOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT
August 14, 2004

I almost had one of the most embarrassing moments of my life today...

It all started last night when I decided to get dressed and head over to a party that baudboy and his roommate were hosting. I got ready just minutes before the party was to start, and I skipped out on eating. However, I knew that there would be snacks at the party, so I didn't fret too much. On the way out, I grabbed a bottle of wine and went on my merry way.

At the party, had a GREAT time with people... most of whom I work with. My previous boss (Stephanie) was there with her husband. She is A-W-E-S-O-M-E! And there were a few other people I had actually never met. I sipped on my wine, chatted with people, and enjoyed the night. I don't remember how many glasses I had, but it was enough to get me buzzed... but not enough to inhibit my driving. The glass I had was HUGE, so I am not sure how many genuine glasses I had -- maybe three.

Anyway, after the party when I got home I got online and chatted with a few friends. I was afraid of waking up with a headache, so I drank some water and then headed off to bed. The next morning, I had a slight headache, but nothing too bad. I got up when my parents called to tell me their plane was leaving 3 hours late from Albuquerque. This was good and bad. I hadn't even started cleaning yet, and I had plans to hang out at the mall with my friends.

Richard and Ronnie picked me up around 1:30 and we headed to the mall. Ronnie drives like and old man, and is a little jerky with his driving. I can usually take his constant speeding up and slowing down on the freeway, but my headache was getting the best of me. It was even making me nauseous. I attributed my weak stomach to the drive and to the fact I hadn't really eaten in over 24-hours. When we got to the mall, Ronnie parked in his usual area... on the other side of the mall from the food court. I thought I was going to die!! I made bee-line to the nearest joint and ordered a full meal... a gyro, fries, and a coke. I ate a few fries, and my stomach got really bad. I let Richard and Ronnie finish up, but I requested to be taken back home. I felt THAT bad. At one point, Richard stopped at a cell phone kiosk to check out phones. I sat down for a minute, but I started to feel the familiar pangs of a good vomiting coming on.

So there I was, sitting smack dab in a newly remodel mall, and I no fucking clue where the nearest restroom was. To top it off, this is the swankiest mall in the area, so it was full of the rich and not-so-famous locals. I had the instant fear that I was going to have to lean over a trash can and vomit there in front of about 200 people. This was NOT my idea of a fun afternoon. Instead, I started walking real fast to the nearest box store to find their restroom. On the way, I kept my eyes peeled for trashcans in corners... out of the sight of others, but it would have been no use. They were all in the middle of the mall concourse.

How could I have ever lived it down? I could have never shown my face in that mall ever again if I ended up puking on Mrs. Habersham and her $500 worth of Nordstrom purchases! Never again would I be able to sit in one of the soft couches in front of the Pottery Barn store watching cute boys all around. The constant question would always plague me: Did that guy see me vomit that one day? Or her? Or them? It would have been too much to bear to have to self-banish myself (as a gay man) from a mall.

I was in luck though, as I was heading to Nordstrom, I eyeballed a sign that read "Restrooms/Mall Management". I kid you not, it was longest fucking hall on the planet. I literally sprinted down the tiles to see a cleaning cart blocking the men's restroom. Hell fucking no!!!!!!!!

I pushed the cart out of the way, and almost knocked some kid down as he came of the only unoccupied stall. Fries began to back track up my throat at light speed, but I made it to the promised land and conveniently exposed of my small lunch in a newly cleaned toilet. My bare knees graced the floor, but I didn't care. My head was about to explode... just as my stomach did. In a few minutes, Richard found me to make sure I was ok. And I was ok... for the most part. My public puking fear subsided and I headed back into the main hall to head home.

Thankfully, I can still go to that mall. I don't have to question passers by. Instead I can say: See that trash can? I almost made a public spectacle of myself in that very spot.