FULL CIRCLE
April 28, 2003

I am scared.

Can you believe it? Can you ingest the feelings that I am experiencing right now? My heart is racing and hands are perspiring. The future is now unclear, and Brandon is scared. I have this sick feeling in the depths of my stomach that loneliness is approaching and I am unable to block it from entering my fake happy life.

I am tired.

Once I knew what I wanted in a relationship, but then I discovered the truth – what I want and I need are two separate things. But as I sit here pondering the difference, I rebel at the fact that I cannot have what I want as well as what I need. I want love. I need love. However, love is overrated and underestimated as I place it in one simple heart shaped package. My weary soul refuses to wear its mask any more. It wants to live free and experience the world anew. It wants to take responsibility for its actions and inactions. It wants to make a difference, rather than just exist.

I am broken.

The black cursor flickers on the white background as I reflect on my past, question my present, and ponder my future. Why can I not be within a relationship where truth is the norm and feelings are shared open and freely? I live a constant lie. I walk the fine line between self-loathing and self-adoration, and I am torn. Will I always resist the urge to allow others to fall in love with me? And will I always question that person’s devotion and motivation when that experience does occur? I am unable to take another step down my path with someone whose heart is not in sync with mine.

I am alone.

Four years ago I awoke in the dead of night sweating profusely. My clock radio cast a shadow of my body onto the nearby wall and a horrifying thought surged upon me. I was going to die alone. That fear arrested my being and I quickly launched a crusade to meet and fall in love with someone. Soon after I met someone and “fell in love.” Three boyfriends later, and with new life experiences learned, I am again facing a wall displaying only one shadow.

I am confused.

I wish I knew where I needed to go in life. In the meantime, I am floundering in my mire of self-doubt and guilt. I dissect my decisions until I get frustrated and overwhelmed. Subsequently, through my exhaustion, I toss everything up in the air, and run as it lands haphazardly on the mushy ground below.

I am questioning.

What will happen to me in the coming days, weeks, or months? How will my life change? How will I break it to someone I love that I am not happy in the current situation, and that I want out? How will I cope with being single, and alone? How will I be able to face the world again and apply the lessons I have learned? Will I change? Will I stay the same? Will I find someone and fall in love?

I am scared.