LOVE, WHERE ART THOU?
September 3, 2003

This is one of those nights when you really want to talk about something, but it’s too late to call anyone. Even then, the call I would place would be bitchy. First, I spent an hour writing a journal entry and it didn’t post and I lost it. Secondly, I am lonely.

I don’t get into reality television very much, but yesterday I was able to watch the first episode of Boy Meets Boy, and I was hooked. Initially I didn’t want to watch it for various reasons (I didn’t have Bravo at the time, and I thought it would be a gay version of Temptation Island). But in the end I was impressed by the show…. so much so it made me think about my own life the lack of romance I experience.

Over the years I have heard gay men complain that most gay men are just too quick to jump in the sack and skip romance altogether. I cannot verify the perception, so I must think gay men fall into one of the two categories. First the gay men who just want to hook up, and the gay men who are truly romantic and want to spend a lifetime in a monogamous relationship. Then again, maybe the bell curve needs to apply here with most gay men falling into both groups, and only a small amount of men being found at the extremes.

So I ask, what happened to romance in the gay realm? Did it die a long time ago, or is it on its way out like Britney Spears? Or perhaps gay romance never existed at all in our society as gay men have been forced to hide their love, thus causing a catalytic process to form involving the male sexual psyche and years of emotional repression. In the end, traditional romance became the victim – a useless act seen as inefficient and dismissible.

On Saturday I went grocery shopping after working a long shift. While I was making may trek through the store, I noticed I kept passing by the same man. He was a fairly good looking man, so I quickly took notice of him. On the first aisle, he smiles at me. On the next, he said hello. As we made our way through the store, our dance progressed until it couldn’t take another form. I made my way to the check out lane, and he soon followed suit. After I had bagged my groceries and paid the cashier, I slowly made my way to the truck and waited to see where he went. The stars must have been in correct alignment, because as fate had it, he was parked right next to me. I unloaded my groceries and was about to speak to him when his blasted phone rang. He smiled at me as he answered it. He then proceeded back to the pizza joint next to the grocery store. As he made his way up the parking lot, I followed him in my truck, and he waved at me one final time before I drove off. Still stunned by the events, I drove back around and purposefully parked in a spot where he would see me. He drove off in the opposite direction, without even a final goodbye.

It was like a dream. And that night I thought about it over and over, and kicked myself over and over for not saying something to the man. Hopefully he’ll come back into the store some time and I’ll work up enough nerve to speak to him.

Is it too much to want to be swooned? Is it too much to want someone who desires to take it slow, in order to get to know me… as me? Or am I living in a fantasy land and gay men are more concerned about their next lay than the next relationship? I am going to fall asleep alone again in my bed tonight, and drift off to sleep thinking of these things. I won’t get depressed, but I am sure I’ll lose faith in my fellow gay men as time progresses in my life, at least until someone comes along that romances me, and allows me to romance him in return.